**Hello, I’m Mark Shipton**

I’m a Registered Therapist - from Mind & Meaning Therapy in Epsom.
In this article, I aim to offer insights from my work with my clients, and my training as a therapist around the subject of the inner critic.

Like many of you reading this, I have struggled with my own inner critic and its unrivalled ability to drive perfectionism. The ideas and techniques I present in this article are based on my own therapeutic approach. Although there are many others, I hope that you will find this helpful and hopeful. From the outset, there are some things we need to accept together:

We are not seeking to ‘control’ our inner critics, that would be an exhausting and never-ending task.
Our inner critics are part of us, and we’re not seeking to banish them.
Resisting the emotions that the inner critic brings up in us is an ineffective strategy. Let’s find a better one together.

Picture The Scene

It’s something-past-the-hour, you’re tired, it’s been a long day and more than anything you’ve ever desired, you just want to hit send on this article / blog / email / social media post (delete as per your experience). But you just can’t seem to accept this is “good enough”, your mind spirals, the voices start:

“This is no good” - “I’m not good enough” - “I should really be better than this by now” - “Why does everyone else seem to find this so easy?” - “They’ll find out I’m an imposter” - “I should give up and get a ‘real job’”.

Does any of this sound familiar? You’ve got a nasty little bully called the inner critic and I can assure you, you are not alone. This is an extremely familiar experience.

What is the inner critic?

Every one of us has an internal system that observes, monitors and evaluates our performance in life. Why would we ever strive to do better without some sort of driving force behind us? Most of us don’t really engage with this most of the time, and this is also true of you as well.

How can I prove this? You do dozens (perhaps hundreds) of tasks every day, and most of them have so little consequence or personal value to you, that you just get on with them without a second thought. Brushing your teeth, making a sandwich, feeding your cat.

You don’t focus on how well you did them because your teeth look clean, the sandwich was pretty tasty and the cat isn’t giving you the side-eye. Mission accomplished.

However, when we are presented with some form of perceived failure, especially when that failure is related to something that we place value on (like writing), or has consequences (like doing well at work), then a negative and unfriendly voice can manifest to berate us and make us feel inadequate.

Why do we have an inner critic?

The inner critic likely has evolutionary value. Human beings are social creatures and having an inner voice that monitors us and keeps us ‘in check’ could help us avoid social isolation by evaluating our behaviour and avoiding rejection - increasing group cohesion.

It could also have value in driving us to compete with our peers, prevent dangerous errors, learn from mistakes and even enforce group morality.

It’s worth noting at this point that I am neither an evolutionary scientist nor an expert psychologist. However, this is a logical explanation on the source of our inner critics.

Why is my inner critic controlling me?

While we all have a ‘helpful evaluator’, not everyone experiences what we might consider an ‘inner critic’. Yours is unique to you, and it would be impossible to pinpoint exactly why it persists, however, there are some common issues that can cause the inner critic to develop into a controlling and pervasive companion:

Early life experiences: Critical parents, relatives, teachers, peers or bullies.
Fear: A fear of failure, embarrassment, judgement or rejection.
Perfectionism: Having standards that are unachievable or increase perpetually.
Traumatic experiences: To escape the trauma of our past, we can outwardly excel as an avoidance or defence mechanism.
Lacking self-esteem or confidence.
Inability to tolerate unpleasant emotions.

While many of these could explain the origins of our inner critic. Its existence can also be sustained by societal expectations - especially online and digital media.

If you have a critical voice, having a device that is always in your pocket and can show you endless examples of people that appear to be ‘better’, ‘more beautiful’ or ‘more successful’ than you - we soon see why that critical voice is being fed all the negative bias it requires to stay so strong.

Do you have a ‘helpful evaluator’ or an ‘inner critic’?

As we’ve discovered, evaluating our performance in life can be a helpful way to progress, learn and grow.

Imagine looking at a child’s first attempts at art, do you think that is the peak of their potential? Probably not. And over time the child will naturally want to get better at their skills so they can feel a sense of accomplishment and change - this is a healthy drive and desire - and they will look to their caregivers to help (you, in this example).

A poor way to see improvement is to berate the child about their messy artwork until they get better. You are potentially manifesting an ‘inner critic’.

By offering objective feedback and encouragement, your child might graduate from pasta to Picasso. In this instance, you are a ‘helpful evaluator’.

Let’s break down some examples of the ‘helpful evaluator’ VS the ‘inner critic’:

Feature	Helpful Evaluator	Harmful Inner Critic
Focus	Looks at specific behaviours or actions (“This piece needs more structure”)	Targets your worth or identity (“I’m hopeless at this”)
Tone	Objective, constructive, encouraging	Harsh, shaming, personal
Goal	Growth, learning, (healthy) competition, achievement	Avoiding failure or unpleasant emotions
Language style	Precise and fair (“This could be improved”)	Personal, uses “I” statements (“I’m not good enough”)
Perspective	Future-oriented and practical (“What can I try next time?”)	Absolute (“I always mess things up”)
Emotional impact	Leaves you motivated and curious	Leaves you anxious, angry, drained, or upset
Relationship with mistakes	Sees errors as feedback	Sees errors as proof of failure
Frequency	Appears when reflection is useful	Constant background noise or rumination
Underlying message	“You’re capable of growth”	“You’re fundamentally not good enough”

Do any of these examples hit a nerve with you? Then you may be accompanied in life by an inner critic.

How do we improve our relationship with our inner critic?

As previously mentioned, these ideas and concepts are borrowed from my own therapy work and approach, they do not replace therapy and will not be a ‘quick fix’ for your inner critic. I hope they give you some food for thought and a starting point if you seek to feel more at ease with your critical inner voice.

Important note before continuing: If you find any of the experiences, or the thoughts and feelings that arise by following any part of the following exercises triggering, upsetting or just too much. It’s OK to stop.

Resistance is Futile

Trying to silence the inner critic with avoidance (opening the bottle of wine), reassurance (asking your partner to check every sentence you write) and resistance (telling it to ‘shut up’) is not only futile, but creates a cycle where we are in constant battle with our own minds - reinforcing the strength of the critical mind.

Developing Inner Critic Self Awareness:

This can be a powerful, and sometimes upsetting thing to come to terms with. Your critical voice is probably a person, or more specifically, an echo of a person.

Did one of your parents or caregivers criticise you? Was it a teacher you could never quite please? Maybe it was a bully who chipped away at your confidence, or even a friend who made you feel small when you expressed yourself. The source of the inner critic can be invaluable in understanding why it still has power over you today.

Exercise: Sit and listen.

The next time it all feels too much - emotions are high and the little voice in your mind begins reminding you of all the ways you’ve “failed” - just pause and listen.

You don’t need to agree with it, defend yourself, or argue back. Just listen and be curious. Notice the words, the tone, the feeling. If it’s more of a sensation than a clear thought, see if you can stay with it and ask what it’s trying to tell you.

Listen to your voice and ask these questions:

Whose tone of voice does it use?
Does it remind you of anyone from your past or present?
Are there particular words or phrases that feel familiar, as if you’ve heard them before?
Does it carry a certain emotion - disappointment, shame, fear - that links to earlier experiences?
When you hear this voice, do you notice any memories, images, or sensations in your body that take you back somewhere?
Can you picture the person, place, or situation that this voice might belong to?
And finally, does this voice want to protect you in some way - even if it’s going about it the wrong way?

The last one can be a little tricky, why exactly would it be protecting you with criticism? Think about whether it’s protecting you from embarrassment, judgement, rejection or something else.

What did you learn from this exercise? Have you identified a source for your inner critic? (It’s OK if you haven’t). Simply having some understanding of where the voice might have originated from can have a dramatic effect on it’s ability to cause you unpleasant emotions.

Watch your language

Now you (might) have a better understanding of whose voice your inner critic might be using and what it’s telling you. Let’s take a look at the type of language that it uses and then think about how our ‘helpful evaluator’ might see things differently.

This is a skill that borrows from the fundamentals of Positive Psychology - the idea that simple things like the language we use can influence our wellbeing and future happiness.

Take some time to write down the words and phrases that your critical voice uses when speaking about you, then rephrase them in a way which could be seen as objective and helpful.

Here are a few examples:

Inner Critic says…	Helpful Evaluator rephrases…
“I’m useless at this.”	“I’m still learning how to do this well, and that’s perfectly acceptable.”
“I should be better by now.”	“I’ve made progress, there will always be more to learn.”
“Everyone else finds this easy.”	“Every time I get better at this, I am closer to the place I want to be”
“This will never be good enough.”	“It’s not perfect, but it’s good enough for now, and I can improve it later.”
“I always mess things up.”	“What could I learn or change to make this less likely in the future?”
“They’ll think I’m an imposter.”	“The opinion of my peers matters, but it’s not my number one priority.”
“I’m so stupid for missing that.”	“I missed that detail, but it’s of no real consequence.”
“I can’t do this.”	“I’ve felt this way before and I got through it. I can get through this too.”
“I’ve ruined everything.”	“I made a big mistake. What could I do to make it right?”
“Why bother, it’ll fail anyway.”	“This might not work perfectly, but trying is how I’ll learn and grow.”

Challenge the inner critic

As we have been exploring; the inner critic can often be a voice from a past, a childlike entity that bullies us into believing things about ourselves. But does it have any evidence to back itself up?

This technique, borrowed from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), helps you separate facts from feelings and move toward a more balanced, realistic perspective.

Step 1: Catch the thought

When you notice that critical voice, write down exactly what it’s saying. Try to capture the words as they are, without softening or editing them.

Example: “I’m never going to be successful at this.”

Step 2: Look for the evidence

Ask yourself:

What actual evidence supports what my inner critic is saying?
What evidence might go against it?
Have I been in similar situations before where things turned out better than I expected?
What objective, external feedback have I had to prove or disprove my thought?

Important: Feelings are not evidence. “I feel like a failure” would not be permissible in court - that is why we sometimes refer to this as ‘putting your thoughts on trial’ - only fact based evidence is acceptable.

Step 3: Find a balanced perspective

Now, rewrite the thought in a way that’s more objective and compassionate, acknowledging any truth in the criticism without allowing it to dominate.

Here is an example of what this might look like:

Inner Critic says…	Evidence For	Evidence Against	Balanced View
“I am terrible at this job”	This piece of work missed the mark	I’ve completed similar work to a good standard	This piece of work didn’t meet my standards, but usually I produce quality work
	I have made similar mistakes before	My last piece of work got high praise
		I know my standards are sometimes too high
		I have rarely had negative feedback regarding my work
		People often comment on the quality of my work

Step 4: Check the emotional shift

Now you have found a more rounded way to look at your situation - notice how your body and mind respond to the new statement. You’re not trying to force positivity, just fairness. A ‘helpful evaluator’ looks for balance, not perfection.

‘De-fusion’ techniques For Critical Chatter

Humans have thousands of thoughts a day; studies show anything from 6000 - 60,000, but the number isn’t too important. What’s important is understanding whether you believe every thought to be true or not.

Have you ever thought that you might win the lottery? That today was Wednesday, not Thursday? You were SO SURE that you knew the capital of Argentina - but you were wrong?

Those were just thoughts, not facts, and so often our thoughts turn out not to be true. So what about your inner critic? It would be highly unlikely that every single thing it says is a fact, not just a thought.

When we believe our thoughts must be reality and we cannot seem to detach from them - we can describe this as becoming ‘fused’ to our thoughts - this is a common occurrence. Using ‘cognitive defusion’ techniques, we can separate our thoughts from our inner self - view them objectively - and allow them to pass.

Here are a few of the best techniques, borrowed from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT):

Pop-up mind:
Each time you notice your critical voice starting to talk, visualise it as a browser pop-up or smartphone notification. Practice closing the window or dismissing the message.

Leaves on a stream:
Sit still and close your eyes, imagining yourself sitting next to a slow moving stream. Wait for critical thoughts to appear in your mind and create a visual image for each one - place each thought / image on a leaf floating downstream - and watch it drift away.

Thanking your mind:
When your critical voice has anything unhelpful to say, acknowledge it and say “thank you mind” and allow the thought to pass. Remember the inner critic is just a very well rehearsed thought pattern, and your mind is trying to remind you of something you’ve spent a lifetime training it to do - so this will take practise!

Carrying cards:
Write down your critical thoughts on a card and place it in your pocket. Go on with your day, occasionally taking the card out of your pocket. Does that thought still feel relevant? Does it feel factual? Were you even thinking about it before you saw the card again?

Naming your critic:
Your inner critic can seem like a powerful enemy. Take it down a peg or two by giving it a name: “Craig the critic” is a nice alliteration, but you choose your own. Each time he/she/they popup, recognise who it is, say its name and take some of the sting out of those words - “Not today Craig, I’m too busy for this nonsense“.

Use compassion to find your authentic voice

As we have discovered, banishing the inner critic is neither realistic nor desirable, it can be a ‘helpful evaluator’ and become a fair and objective editor of your work.

Once we stop trying to silence or please the critic, something interesting happens: Space opens up in the mind. The anger, fear and protectionism of the inner critic can be more open to emotions, curiosity and truth.

There is one key skill that the inner critic has no defence against, and that is compassion. Self-compassion is entirely incompatible with the harsh and negative inner critic, and it is fully equipped to help you become an authentic writer.

However, self-compassion is not something that can be learned with a trick or simple skill, it is a long term process involving increasing self esteem, self confidence and self worth. Not something I can squeeze into this article I’m afraid.

Of course, as a therapist, I would encourage anyone reading this to consider therapy if you struggle with self-compassion and it affects your everyday wellbeing.

But if you are feeling as though you want more? To take some form of action away from this learning, I have come up with a creative writing task that involves ideas outlined in this article.

A letter to my Critic

I recommend writing this on physical paper, rather than a digital device.
In this exercise, you will use the knowledge of your critical voice from the above techniques, your self awareness of whose voice it might be and what they could be trying to do - protect you, harm you, make you better, push you to succeed - these will be personal to you.

Write a short letter from your inner critic to yourself. What is it trying to communicate? What are its objectives? Why is it so driven to push you, even if it has to hurt you? Where did it come from and why won’t it go away?

Leave a gap on your paper and then write a short reply from you, to your inner critic. What do you want to say? Explain how it makes you feel and see if you are able to find common ground. Try to see things from its point of view. Perhaps this is a peace letter, or perhaps it’s a letter goodbye - you decide.

One final gap and one final letter: This is from the compassionate you, alternatively if you find this too difficult, then this is the opposite of the critic, the ‘angel’ on your shoulder. What would that part of you say right now? Would it offer warmth? Congratulations? Or just tell you that you’re doing good enough?

What next?

If this article has been informative, eye opening or even upsetting. That could be a sign that you might benefit from a more detailed look at your inner critic from a therapist. Therapy is not just for those with poor mental health or big life changes, it can be an enriching and explorative experience that can empower you to improve your everyday lived experience.

If something in this article resonated with you, or you’d like to understand your inner critic in a deeper way, I offer therapy sessions focused on self-compassion, confidence and authentic expression.

Learn more or book a free no pressure chat through Mind & Meaning Therapy Epsom (I also work online).

Take excellent care.

Mark

Mind & Meaning – Therapy in Epsom & Online

mindandmeaning.co.uk | Email: hello@mindandmeaning.co.uk

Taming the Inner Critic: A Therapist’s Guide to Authentic Writing and Self-Compassion